I cried for two weeks over my screwed up stew.  I guess that explains what happened.  However, it was not all a loss.  For one thing, he did say I am a very special and very dear and necessary friend, though that could be his overly polite way of saying "no" without trying to break my heart too much.  For another thing, he did say he did consider me.  I wonder if it was that night we went out to eat, and he asked if I was seeing anyone.  What does "consider" mean?

Now if I had to be brutally honest, I must say the situation turned out for the better.  It had to happen.  I'm finally more me than ever before, especially since I said my peace.  To think he didn't think I was acting weird before, now he'll see me in my much more normal/relaxed mode.  I found out I'm a special friend, although he probably has many a special friend so that does not equate to much really (i.e. I'm the younger sister he never had.).  On top of that, I realized how much my friends really love me.  Through them, I have seen how God has not let me fall too hard even with this news.

The most interesting thing about this is truly that my heart is not as severely broken as I feared. (Yes, I did cry intermittently for two weeks.)  God has been doing some amazing things.  It was almost as if God caught me and did not let me go.  I didn't think less of myself (i.e. my character) as a result of this.  I thought I'd be crying much harder, but somehow I feel at peace.  God has put some distance between us as our usual outings have been either cancelled or otherwise due to uncontrollable forces.  Grace...truly this is grace and goodness.

I still wonder, though, if anything can happen later.  I still wonder why the heck is he so picky.  But bottom line:  I must say that I love him.  Yet I would only want whatever God wants, even if it is not me.  Even if I have to play the stinking Little Mermaid.  I'll be there...

Wow...it's time...Thank God no one really sees this site.  It's good for therapy.

Anyways, I think it's time for the love stew to be taken off the burner, before it burns.  But it scares me to death.  So the stew has probably developed to its full measure.  Let's see:  We've added substance to it now, such as deeper talks, and I would suspect spice as well, such as mild flirting, at least from my end.  What happened to make me think it's time?  Well, he mentioned something about a girlfriend and that sorta set it all off.  And this week we had a nice dinner together. 

So I prayed about it, read Ruth, and stuff.  I have not talked to anyone about this, because I think I just have to do it, and if I do, I'm going to overanalyze and get overemotional (as if I'm not emotional already).  It feels so urgent on my heart, like I'm going to explode if I don't say something.  I also feel if I don't make my move, someone else will gladly take my place.  As I read Ruth, I've come to realize how bold Ruth was and how Naomi and Ruth took the opportunity, even though the odds were stacked up against Ruth.  If Ruth and Naomi didn't take the opportunity, they would have lost out.  I have until tomorrow:  it's now or never.

The last time I felt this urgency/calm before the storm was probably when I was supposed to break up with someone and I didn't.  I don't think God was very happy, and then this weird calm overcame me.  Even though I wanted to break up later, I had missed the opportunity that would have truly made me whole.  Now it feels almost the same except in the opposite direction.

I'm scared.  I think I'm scared I'm going to lose what I already have.  I'm scared that I'm acting too boldly, not your typical princessy girl.  I'm scared that it is going to ruin all the freindship dynamics and everything else.  And I think if I was truly honest, I'm scared he will say "no."

But I must come with the humble attitude of Ruth.  Ruth was superbly beautiful within.  I have no clue what she looked like.  Ruth did not hedge her words but simply obeyed.  And I must obey.  The last two times I felt a different urgency to say something/do something turned out to be perfect timing.  If I had stalled any longer with those two incidences, which were not that far off in the past, I would have very much lost my opportunities.

Anyways, I pray all will be as God wills it to be.  I think I'm dreading doing it and fearing disasterous results.  But I'm fairly resolute, and I must just do it and leave the rest to God and him.